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The theme of the finale is “boxing.”  The show opens with boxing announcer Michael (“let’s get ready to rummmmble”) Buffer introducing Davids Cook and Archuletta by weight and hometown.  They appear in boxing robes, hopping up and down like boxers getting warmed up.  Jim Lampley, who I recognize as a sportscaster, maybe a boxing sportscaster, serves up soundbites, “you gotta get in and hit hard . . . . be brave; a faint heart never fought hard . . . . In a three round fight, you want to pace yourself . . . .”  And on and on.  Seacrest, wearing a natty grey three-piece with an ultra-narrow, ultra-straight black necktie, gets the show started by interviewing the Davids. 

Clive Davis is allowed (inexplicably) to choose the first song, as he does every year.
David Cook sings U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”  The judges are generally positive, but not overwhelming in their praise.  I can’t be more specific than that. Liz won’t let me rewind it.

Archuletta sings Elton John’s “Don’t let the Sun Go Down on Me.”  He gets up on stage and bobs around to the music as awkwardly as ever.  But then he opens his mouth and I hear the voice of an angel. 

Randy: “One of the best performances of the whole season.  Unbelievably molten hot!  Crazy vocals.  Crazy!”
Paula: “The Sun’s never going to (Randy, still: “Crazy!”) go down on you.  (Randy: “Hot, man, hot!”) I get chills.”
Simon – “Round 1 goes to Archuletta”

Round II
David Cook sings a new song, “Dream Big,” composed for the show, which sounds like mediocre late-80’s pop, maybe Bad English or the Cutting Crew.

Randy: “the song was just okay, but you were singing your face off”
Paula:  something non-specific about “a song in your heart and a guitar in your hand” and winning our hearts in America or something
Simon: “Using the boxing analogy, it was a bit of a lightweight.”

Archuletta’s new song is a schmaltzy ballad, which showcases his formidable talents as a schmaltzy balladeer.
Randy: (for the 23rd time this season) “you could sing the phone book and it would be good, dawg!”
Paula: Something about America’s heart or whatever
Simon:  Round 2 goes to David Archuletta

Round 3:

David Cook chooses to sing a Collective Soul song.  As the song ends, his eyes fill with tears.

Simon: “You are honestly one of the nicest contestants we have ever had.” Then, “this was completely and utterly the wrong song choice for you.”  Ouch!

And if David Cook still harbored any hope of winning the competition, David Archuletta walks onstage and belts out his now-familiar version of “Imagine,” effectively and mercilessly snuffing out David Cook’s season in the span of two and a half minutes.
Randy: “The best singer season Season 7 is RIGHT THERE!!!!!”
Paula: “You left me speechless as the first time I heard this song. You were stunning.
Simon: “A knockout.”

The show concludes with Ruben Studdard, who looks (to continue the boxing theme) a bit like Buster Douglas a few years after he TKO’d Mike Tyson (which is to say, very overweight!), singing “Please Celebrate Me Home”